Part 5 of 5 Part Series.
Though many of Rand's followers call themselves Objectivists, I don't really like the term and prefer to consider myself a skeptical individualist who seeks to live according to enlightened self-interest. I'm not after all, a genuine follower of Rand as I view her anti-emotional disposable personal relationships as both disloyal and destructive. I also believe that health and a healthy lifestyle are interwoven and inseparable from genuine personal happiness. Still, this post is dedicated to the actualization to which Rand led me.
I have not read Atlas Shrugged or The Fountainhead or The Virtue of Selfishness in a long time and I will not explain them here. If you want to read those books, you'll have to buy them. Instead, I want to relay how the philosophy of promoting enlightened self-interest above all other considerations impacted my life, my spirit, and my happiness.
As a young adult, I was unhappy, restless and willing to try anything that might grant reprieve from gloom. (See some prior entries in this series for more detail). I lived in a dingy college dorm and my friends were druggees with no eye to the future. I was similarly affected. A high school friend, who was before and again became my closest friend, bought me a copy of Atlas Shrugged. Since I wasn't really interested in school (I got decent grades on absolutely minimum effort and was never motivated), I took a month or two to read and truly understand Atlas Shrugged. Once I did, I consolidated my understanding with later novels and developed what I think is a slightly more appealing philosophy.
I want to explain a few key aspects of enlightened self-interest. Notice that I did not use Rand's term, rational selfishness, for though the two are very similar in result, they elicit much different reactions from a lay person. In colloquial English, selfishness has adopted a pejorative meaning that I do not wish to invoke when labeling myself. Therefor, I will use the term Enlightened Self-Interest. Here are a few characteristics:
1. I live for my own happiness. Happiness requires that I earnestly pursue honesty and trustworthiness.
Believe me, I have not always been honest or trustworthy. There was a time when I stole trinkets for the thrill and took pride in my ability to hoist deception upon unwitting teachers and peers. There was a time when I fantasized about sexual violence and enjoyed shocking people with how little the boundaries of culture constrained me. There was a time when every single person who knew me, knew a different me. Two acquaintances discussing me must've been remarkably confused, sometimes shocked. I was continuously caught in contradictions, always needing to invent a more elaborate story to explain away dubious inconsistencies. It got to the point where I avoided talking to most of my acquaintances for fear that I would not remember which version of me they knew. I grew increasingly isolated since even my closer friends did not trust me. Needless to say, this did not make me happier.
Two influences shocked me out of this downward spiral. One was Rand, whose clarity of thought convinced me that I was betraying myself by continuously making choices that led to my ultimate unhappiness. My daily decisions were the source of my misery. She explained how thinking critically, understanding the value of property, and working hard, were signs of respecting yourself. This realization motivated and clarified my life, I began to think about every decision I made with a goal of promoting my own happiness. The needless lies, petty property crimes, and shock antics were quickly shelved. The self-deception took longer.
The second influence was love. This is one area where I differ greatly from Rand, who saw everything through a go-it-alone type lens. I believe that enlightened self-interest means loving deeply and without reservation. This requires soul-baring honesty, which was quite a chore for me. If you (like most people) are not critical of your own faults, then you are not honest with yourself. If you are not honest with yourself then it is wholly impossible to be honest with others. I failed many times at honesty in that first experiment, but I learned how to make the effort, something that has set me up for success in my most recent relationship. Trusting someone without reservation, a relationship I now hold with three people, enables you to more objectively accept their critiques of your flaws. Objectively analyzing your own flaws is perhaps life's most difficult task, and one of the most important stepping stones to happiness. Valued loved ones can prod you with reasonable criticism, while being there to comfort and aide you as you make mistakes or endure difficult times.
2. I focus on the long term. I plan to be alive for 100 years, given a little luck. Since my goal is to be as happy as possible for as many years as possible, I must consider that my decisions will impact my whole life. Health and family were both somewhat under explored by Rand but are natural results of her philosophy.
Health is necessary for longevity of course, but more than any other single factor, health is necessary for happiness. A healthy brain is an active brain, a creative brain, a happy brain. A healthy lifestyle promotes a healthy brain. It really is that simple. Pursuing health has a number of consequences, but perhaps the most devastating to my old self was the abandonment of drugs, at least as a common occurrence. These days, I rarely drink and never to excess. I rarely smoke marijuana (and only with a vaporizer since it minimizes carcinogens). I never do stimulants beyond mild ones associated with increasing attentiveness for a short and controlled period. Hallucinogens are out. These habits combined with years of strength and endurance exercise and a vegetarian diet have put me in good physical condition, ready to keep my mind strong for the long haul.
Focusing on the long-term also means planning for the arc of my life. I have an adventurer's spirit, but a family soul. As I age, I know that I am quickly approaching the time where I must prepare to have children if I am to achieve one of life's greatest joys. I have adjusted my adventures, business plans, and personal relationships in preparation for this inevitability. I will not stop adventuring, but I can no longer take enormous financial risks, nor switch lives between China and America at will.
In the end, Rand provided a clarifying moment at a critical period of my life. Her unabashed defense of serving one's own goals first and foremost provided a schematic for me to improve myself. I took to heart my responsibility for my choices in my pursuit of actualization, and applied her philosophy to my strongest desires: health and family. I still fail regularly on both personal and professional levels, and I still suffer periods of uncertainty, but I'm confident that I have the tools to continue being the happy person I am.
Showing posts with label Making Peace with Myself. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Making Peace with Myself. Show all posts
Friday, November 12, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Rejecting Religion, But Not The Religious
Part 4 of 5 Part Series
I was raised Catholic--sort of, attended religious school--for a brief time, and went to church as an adult--for an even briefer time. Those things never satisfied me. Christianity never answered my questions, it just brushed them off as the confusion of a lesser species who could never understand the workings of a greater being. I found it surprising that other humans understood this greater being well enough to tell me that I could never understand. Especially since I considered myself (with some justification) much smarter than those who patronizingly brushed away my concerns. Rand echoed my doubts clearly and without embarrassment. She liberated my inner reason, making me free to question the numerous absurdities of religious belief (If you want me to explain those absurdities, ask and I will gladly oblige), ultimately convincing me that religious belief is practiced with four justifications.
1. Those who use the authority and prestige of expertise in religion for their own self aggrandizement. All preachers and most proselytizers fall into this category on one of two levels. Either they are aware of their deception and thus deeply cynical, or they are true believers who have convinced themselves (with a lot of help from society and other enablers) that they are doing God's work and those who question the foundation of their existence are less fortunate than they. Either way, this leads to a conceited hubris and intellectual complacency that I could never accept.
On second thought, I could accept the hubris ;-)
2. Those who use religion as an excuse to avoid consideration and reconciliation of their passions, contradictions, and questions. This is the weekly church attendee who feels roped in and duty bound, this is the simpleton who accepts that people smarter than him know what is best, and this is the lazy man's route to easy answers and a comforting story about life after their wasted existence on earth. This is far and away the largest category.
3. Some people consciously admit that faith is outside the bounds of reason and cannot be argued with evidence. I count some respected loved ones in this category. There is no arguing with this, because reason is useless against the person who has rejected reason as the path to truth. Of course these people are inherently duplicitous because they use reason to guide nearly all of their daily activities, which makes me wonder, of what use is faith? Is it simply to provide an easy justification to those things which I want to believe but reason cannot explain? It seems so. I consider the resort to faith as a total cop out, a stubborn, though undeniably unassailable excuse for preserving cherished preconceived notions.
4. Finally, there are those who believe that an anecdotal personal experience of either themselves or another person is adequate evidence, given the enormous societal pressure, to accept that God is real based on objective experience. For reasons to be skeptical of anecdotal evidence, I refer you to http://www.skepdic.com/testimon.html . It is my belief that a preconceived, socially suggested concept of God is the primary reason that God is credited with so many paranormal appearances, interventions, and revelations in stricken individuals. I also have a close person who counts amongst these individuals.
Though I have rejected religion, and I think belief in God is a mistake, a flaw if you will, I still love and deeply respect some of those who have followed either the third or fourth option above. They may be imperfect, but they are still genuine people who pursue truth in their own way. I believe people should be judged on the whole package and not a single mistake, even if the mistake is ongoing. Unfortunately the God of most people doesn't feel the same way so I'm relegated to Hell (depending on who you ask). But at least I'll be in good company!
I was raised Catholic--sort of, attended religious school--for a brief time, and went to church as an adult--for an even briefer time. Those things never satisfied me. Christianity never answered my questions, it just brushed them off as the confusion of a lesser species who could never understand the workings of a greater being. I found it surprising that other humans understood this greater being well enough to tell me that I could never understand. Especially since I considered myself (with some justification) much smarter than those who patronizingly brushed away my concerns. Rand echoed my doubts clearly and without embarrassment. She liberated my inner reason, making me free to question the numerous absurdities of religious belief (If you want me to explain those absurdities, ask and I will gladly oblige), ultimately convincing me that religious belief is practiced with four justifications.
1. Those who use the authority and prestige of expertise in religion for their own self aggrandizement. All preachers and most proselytizers fall into this category on one of two levels. Either they are aware of their deception and thus deeply cynical, or they are true believers who have convinced themselves (with a lot of help from society and other enablers) that they are doing God's work and those who question the foundation of their existence are less fortunate than they. Either way, this leads to a conceited hubris and intellectual complacency that I could never accept.
On second thought, I could accept the hubris ;-)
2. Those who use religion as an excuse to avoid consideration and reconciliation of their passions, contradictions, and questions. This is the weekly church attendee who feels roped in and duty bound, this is the simpleton who accepts that people smarter than him know what is best, and this is the lazy man's route to easy answers and a comforting story about life after their wasted existence on earth. This is far and away the largest category.
3. Some people consciously admit that faith is outside the bounds of reason and cannot be argued with evidence. I count some respected loved ones in this category. There is no arguing with this, because reason is useless against the person who has rejected reason as the path to truth. Of course these people are inherently duplicitous because they use reason to guide nearly all of their daily activities, which makes me wonder, of what use is faith? Is it simply to provide an easy justification to those things which I want to believe but reason cannot explain? It seems so. I consider the resort to faith as a total cop out, a stubborn, though undeniably unassailable excuse for preserving cherished preconceived notions.
4. Finally, there are those who believe that an anecdotal personal experience of either themselves or another person is adequate evidence, given the enormous societal pressure, to accept that God is real based on objective experience. For reasons to be skeptical of anecdotal evidence, I refer you to http://www.skepdic.com/testimon.html . It is my belief that a preconceived, socially suggested concept of God is the primary reason that God is credited with so many paranormal appearances, interventions, and revelations in stricken individuals. I also have a close person who counts amongst these individuals.
Though I have rejected religion, and I think belief in God is a mistake, a flaw if you will, I still love and deeply respect some of those who have followed either the third or fourth option above. They may be imperfect, but they are still genuine people who pursue truth in their own way. I believe people should be judged on the whole package and not a single mistake, even if the mistake is ongoing. Unfortunately the God of most people doesn't feel the same way so I'm relegated to Hell (depending on who you ask). But at least I'll be in good company!
Gateways, Drugs, and Lessons Learned
Part 3 in 5 Part Series
After religion I tried a darker, though still fairly common route to satiate my inner nag. In a word: Drugs. I could provide an impressive list of substances (all the common ones plus a few specialties), but I would prefer to explain how I justified my lifestyle to myself at the time.
As a lost soul, I was predictably depressed and marijuana dispersed the cloud of gloom that tracked me like an overhead shadow. Incidentally, this impact was both real and effective. Marijuana has obvious negative effects on ambition, intelligence, and diligence, but in my personal experience it has a very positive impact on depression.
Hallucinogens were another matter. If anything they made me more melancholy and detached when I sobered up. No, the justification for hallucinogens was based in a desire to pursue the expansion of my mind into more ethereal and abstract realms of understanding. To some degree they worked. Hallucinogens helped me overcome my fear of dancing in public, pushing inhibitions out of my mind. More importantly, hallucinogens helped me to understand the beauty of nature. Green life, moving water, peaceful sounds all bring me a sort of instinctual joy that can be explained evolutionarily as a positive emotional reaction to the type of lands were humans will most likely prosper. My sense of nature is still enhanced by a vague memory of boundless ecstasy from less responsible days.
Unfortunately, I nearly died from a severe allergic reaction to a plant which I must've failed to notice under the influence of certain mushrooms. That slow agonizing recovery made me realize the risk I was taking. The lack of awareness I subjected myself too under the influence was shockingly irresponsible. Any number of things could've happened, and my equally impaired friends would've been of no assistance. That was the last time I used hallucinogens.
Uppers had yet another justification. Uppers do not have a universal impact. Some give you energy and a sense of invincibility. Some focus your mind like a miniature laser on whatever subject falls into your sights. Almost all of them make your heart flutter, your mind race, and your endorphins flow.
The good lesson I learned is how to enjoy a state of heightened exertion, something that has continued into my daily exercise even today. To some extent, the 'runner's high' you get after running a few kilometers at high speed is similar to the peak of excitement on one of the more invincibility inducing uppers. Knowing this feeling is certainly an aide in motivating me to exercise until I can sense the loopy thrill of that exhaustion induced trance.
The bad lesson I learned from uppers: A lack of sleep is detrimental to every aspect of your being. Your energy, your attractiveness, your attentiveness, and of course your happiness all suffer horribly. If you want to be a happy and balanced person, do not use powerful stimulants recreationally. Period.
After religion I tried a darker, though still fairly common route to satiate my inner nag. In a word: Drugs. I could provide an impressive list of substances (all the common ones plus a few specialties), but I would prefer to explain how I justified my lifestyle to myself at the time.
As a lost soul, I was predictably depressed and marijuana dispersed the cloud of gloom that tracked me like an overhead shadow. Incidentally, this impact was both real and effective. Marijuana has obvious negative effects on ambition, intelligence, and diligence, but in my personal experience it has a very positive impact on depression.
Hallucinogens were another matter. If anything they made me more melancholy and detached when I sobered up. No, the justification for hallucinogens was based in a desire to pursue the expansion of my mind into more ethereal and abstract realms of understanding. To some degree they worked. Hallucinogens helped me overcome my fear of dancing in public, pushing inhibitions out of my mind. More importantly, hallucinogens helped me to understand the beauty of nature. Green life, moving water, peaceful sounds all bring me a sort of instinctual joy that can be explained evolutionarily as a positive emotional reaction to the type of lands were humans will most likely prosper. My sense of nature is still enhanced by a vague memory of boundless ecstasy from less responsible days.
Unfortunately, I nearly died from a severe allergic reaction to a plant which I must've failed to notice under the influence of certain mushrooms. That slow agonizing recovery made me realize the risk I was taking. The lack of awareness I subjected myself too under the influence was shockingly irresponsible. Any number of things could've happened, and my equally impaired friends would've been of no assistance. That was the last time I used hallucinogens.
Uppers had yet another justification. Uppers do not have a universal impact. Some give you energy and a sense of invincibility. Some focus your mind like a miniature laser on whatever subject falls into your sights. Almost all of them make your heart flutter, your mind race, and your endorphins flow.
The good lesson I learned is how to enjoy a state of heightened exertion, something that has continued into my daily exercise even today. To some extent, the 'runner's high' you get after running a few kilometers at high speed is similar to the peak of excitement on one of the more invincibility inducing uppers. Knowing this feeling is certainly an aide in motivating me to exercise until I can sense the loopy thrill of that exhaustion induced trance.
The bad lesson I learned from uppers: A lack of sleep is detrimental to every aspect of your being. Your energy, your attractiveness, your attentiveness, and of course your happiness all suffer horribly. If you want to be a happy and balanced person, do not use powerful stimulants recreationally. Period.
Dabbling with Protestants
Part 2 in 5 Part Series
In college, I tried joining a very interesting and modern protestant church with a very pious (and very decent) group of guys. I enjoyed the singing, the guitar playing, and the camaraderie, but a particular event convinced me I was in the wrong the place. I was camping with the group on a very fun expedition into the wilderness, and I was willing to go along with the game, simply proclaim Jesus your savior and you get a free pass to heaven? Answers don't get easier than that. Sign me up.
Everything was going great until I asked our preacher a question about reconciling the Gospel of John with the other gospels on a host of details regarding Jesus' trip to Jerusalem, and he replied in an overtly patronizing tone:
Him: 'There's no contradiction.'
Me: 'But why are all the details about the resurrection different in all four gospels?' (and this is where it gets good.)
Him: 'Have you studied the bible for years? Have you had expert training by theologists?'
Me: 'No.' At this point I naively have no idea why he is asking this.
Him: 'Then you need to trust me, because I've studied the gospels, and I know that there are no contradictions. Only a novice would think there are inconsistencies.'
Me: Speechless.
Apparently my reading skills needed some serious work. Genesis was riddled with things only experts could understand. How many animals of each kind on the arc? Read Genesis 7:2 7:8-9, can preachers count? Were beasts created first or man? Gen 1:25-6 and Gen 2:18-9 have some confusing words from the omnipotent. And the list goes on and on. I'll admit that I only read the 4 Gospels and Genesis with a critical eye, but that was more than enough.
I was a weak person then, and I went ahead with the Baptism (a person with no sense of self really enjoys being the center of attention, even for a short while). But even then I knew it was all a farce, I had no genuine feelings for the ceremony, and reason gnawed at me like a ravenous worm inside an overripe apple. It whispered sarcastically: Apparently common sense and understanding the words written in the bible isn't enough to understand the bible. You must be a self-proclaimed expert, taught by other self-proclaimed experts with a clearly identifiable agenda of promoting their own preconceived notions and biases. You must suspend all that you thought you knew about reason and contradiction and believe what someone tells you to believe solely because they are so convinced of their own righteousness. Though I really liked the people, I drifted away from that group shortly afterwards.
Thus ended my religiosity.
In college, I tried joining a very interesting and modern protestant church with a very pious (and very decent) group of guys. I enjoyed the singing, the guitar playing, and the camaraderie, but a particular event convinced me I was in the wrong the place. I was camping with the group on a very fun expedition into the wilderness, and I was willing to go along with the game, simply proclaim Jesus your savior and you get a free pass to heaven? Answers don't get easier than that. Sign me up.
Everything was going great until I asked our preacher a question about reconciling the Gospel of John with the other gospels on a host of details regarding Jesus' trip to Jerusalem, and he replied in an overtly patronizing tone:
Him: 'There's no contradiction.'
Me: 'But why are all the details about the resurrection different in all four gospels?' (and this is where it gets good.)
Him: 'Have you studied the bible for years? Have you had expert training by theologists?'
Me: 'No.' At this point I naively have no idea why he is asking this.
Him: 'Then you need to trust me, because I've studied the gospels, and I know that there are no contradictions. Only a novice would think there are inconsistencies.'
Me: Speechless.
Apparently my reading skills needed some serious work. Genesis was riddled with things only experts could understand. How many animals of each kind on the arc? Read Genesis 7:2 7:8-9, can preachers count? Were beasts created first or man? Gen 1:25-6 and Gen 2:18-9 have some confusing words from the omnipotent. And the list goes on and on. I'll admit that I only read the 4 Gospels and Genesis with a critical eye, but that was more than enough.
I was a weak person then, and I went ahead with the Baptism (a person with no sense of self really enjoys being the center of attention, even for a short while). But even then I knew it was all a farce, I had no genuine feelings for the ceremony, and reason gnawed at me like a ravenous worm inside an overripe apple. It whispered sarcastically: Apparently common sense and understanding the words written in the bible isn't enough to understand the bible. You must be a self-proclaimed expert, taught by other self-proclaimed experts with a clearly identifiable agenda of promoting their own preconceived notions and biases. You must suspend all that you thought you knew about reason and contradiction and believe what someone tells you to believe solely because they are so convinced of their own righteousness. Though I really liked the people, I drifted away from that group shortly afterwards.
Thus ended my religiosity.
My Relationship with Ayn Rand
Part 1 in 5 Part Series about Making Peace with Myself
Few novels are more elucidating of the purposes and motivations of mankind than the timeless Atlas Shrugged. (That's Ayn Rand, and for those of you who don't know that is, I strongly suggest you look into it. You might start here: http://www.aynrand.org/site/PageServer?pagename=about_ari ). The theme of Atlas Shrugged in Rand's own words was 'the demonstration of a new moral philosophy: the morality of rational self-interest.' I won't waste time explaining what has already been explained by far more accomplished writers and philosophers than myself. Instead, I will give a personal account of the impact Rand had on me. Consider the next few entries a testimonial, to thieve a phrase from an ideological adversary.
I was a lost soul when I first encountered Rand. Aimless, amoral, and adrift, I wandered between one group of friends and the next, accepting the dominant philosophy of the clique without critique, desperately hoping to find something to satisfy my nagging conscious, which never shut up, ceaselessly demanding an intellectually rigorous and ethically defensible set of principles. The next few entries are a few of my experiences with some of the more orthodox ethical frameworks. Consider them a series of posts culminating in my assessment of Rand's philosophy.
Few novels are more elucidating of the purposes and motivations of mankind than the timeless Atlas Shrugged. (That's Ayn Rand, and for those of you who don't know that is, I strongly suggest you look into it. You might start here: http://www.aynrand.org/site/PageServer?pagename=about_ari ). The theme of Atlas Shrugged in Rand's own words was 'the demonstration of a new moral philosophy: the morality of rational self-interest.' I won't waste time explaining what has already been explained by far more accomplished writers and philosophers than myself. Instead, I will give a personal account of the impact Rand had on me. Consider the next few entries a testimonial, to thieve a phrase from an ideological adversary.
I was a lost soul when I first encountered Rand. Aimless, amoral, and adrift, I wandered between one group of friends and the next, accepting the dominant philosophy of the clique without critique, desperately hoping to find something to satisfy my nagging conscious, which never shut up, ceaselessly demanding an intellectually rigorous and ethically defensible set of principles. The next few entries are a few of my experiences with some of the more orthodox ethical frameworks. Consider them a series of posts culminating in my assessment of Rand's philosophy.
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